Blue Hawaiiian Martinis are BRILLIANT!

So I have been avoiding this post for a week and a few days. I had a little birthday back on the 11th of January. It's no big deal really. Ok I am lying my ass off, (turns around to make sure), well maybe not it's still there. I turned the big 3-0. And it hurt. I can't desrcibe the feeling of underachievement that plagued me that whole week. So to get over this awful feeling, I decided to throw myself a little party, because I knew if I didn't do it no body else would. So I sent out this little invitation to all my friends from work, volleyball and everything else in between.

"Subject line : We're Gonna Sip Bacardi Like It's My Birthday!"

"You are invited to the party of the year!
For whom you ask deserves this kind of cheer?
I do - for this year I turn, god help me, the big 3-0,
And I don't think I will make it through without my bro's and my ho's!

I need all of your help to cope with my life's new page,
Because I feel like I have been locked in a new cage.
One with that happens to rhyme with (gasp!) middle age.
So don't miss it, or I might use your name with disparage.

I don't want your cards, drinks or presents,
All I require is your much needed presence.
Just bring your hugs and heartfelt wishes,
I promise some one else will do the dishes.

Powerhouse Tavern United is where it will be underway
Any time after 5pm on January 12, that's a Friday.
I gave you two weeks notice, do the math in your head,
And find a babysitter if needed, for a night out in the 'Peg!

And please RSVP if it's at all possible
Hey you can even just reply to this email!"

Not bad huh? I didn't realize I could still pull off the poetry thing but I think I did it in spades. So I sent it out to almost like 50 people. And I sent it out before the New Year so I thought I would give the guests lots of time to prepare to enjoy a night out avec moi! I even sent it to people out of town just to let them know I was thinking of them. Sweet aren't I? I got lots of responses of the positive variety, and some out of office replies but that's ok too. So by that week I had a solid 20 or so people showing up. I was kinda nervous about how my mood would be about it because alot of people on my guest list were younger then me DAMN YOU!!! But I thought maybe it would inspire me. HA! Then the weather hit... -40 and even colder with the windchill all that week. And of course on the night of it was probably the coldest of the entire week. BLAST! Ahh well, I had a few people email and said their cars were not moving because they were dead, that's a valid reason and I appreciated them letting me know they wouldn't be there. But everyone from work came out that said they were going to come out. Even one person from volleyball came out. And well of course Lorne, any excuse to drink where there are short skirted waitresses around isn't a hard sell for him ;)~ We had some food and ALOT of drinks. I had so many Blue Hawaiian Martinis it was ridiculous! And that was before the shots started. Our new Phone Centre Manager, Jennifer bought the first one, she asked for something sweet and fruity. and we ended up with Dirty Hookers. Nice eh? And they were the best shooter I have EVER had. It was cranberry juice, Sour Puss and melon liquer in a shot glass, GENIUS pure bloody GENIOUS! Then Pete bought a round of the same shot, then Damir showed up, Damir is our new IT guy. He started with a shot of Tequilia BLAST! At least it had a piece lime with it, I prefer the lime to the lemon. Then more Martinis, even a friend's Uncle bought me a bevvie that sweet guy! Thanks Murray! More Dirty Hookers, this time I bought the round, then Damir came back for a Blowjob! Sorry WITH a Blowjob (gotta keep the audience captivated!) that was a bit more difficult because you couldn't use your hands and I don't swallow well with my mouth open. Oh my gawd did I just type that OUT LOUD!?!?!?!? Good thing my parents don't read this. More Martini's and then people started to leave. That made me sad because I had to be there until 9:30 for sure because the boy got off work at that time and was meeting me there. So it was like 8:30 and I decided to tell the boy just to pick me up cause no one else was showing. Then I phoned Zenon to give him shit for not being there and as it turned out he and Chewie (yay Chewie!) were on their way. So phone the boy back and tell him that he has to come upstairs. I was happy again! Plus Lorne and Danielle stayed for a while so that was good! Even if they were both younger than me...... Zenon and chewie show up and Zenon has a card that inside he wrote "You're 30, it sucks, that's it it just sucks.". I appreciated the honesty. Lorne brought me some very weird and might I add questionable gag gifts. Pocky sticks, which were fine, I actually like those, some odd form of chocolate and nut mixture that turned into powder in your mouth, and for some very strange reason, dried squid eggs and they smelled AWFUL! So strange he is. So the night went on and both Danielle and Lorne left, so Chewie, Zenon and I settled in to the couches to watch the Oilers game while we waited for Mike. Oh and we ordered some nachos which were fantastic! Mike gets there and orders some wings and a drink. While we are watching the Oilers game, the Moose game across the street let out. So it started to get busy and we were on the couches watching the game having some funny conversations, that I don't really remember, and this couple comes up to us and asks if we would mind if they sat down on the couch opposite us, that was empty. We said go right ahead, head being the operative word in this case. They sat down and no more the 5 minutes later and they were all over each other on the couch. I was totally blown away, as was the guy on the couch just about. I mean I saw more taste buds then a tongue depressor that night (Rim Shot!) . Then they got up to go get a beer and Zenon and I just looked at each other like, seriously? Then he says one of his best ever lines, probably since "Oh fuck my ass!" as we were heading dangerously towards a ditch on the highway once in the winter a few years ago, he says "You know I am all in but it's all or nothing and I have a wetnap riiiight here!". I nearly wet my pants laughing. Then he rubs his hands together almost as they headed back. I would have been alot more offended had the couple been ugly. Well the tongues come back out, and in, and out. I mean they were in ears, in mouths and all over necks. Then there is hands up shirts and on zippers. Then I start to get loud, "When did they start charging by the hour couch usage here?" sort of remarks. The guy gets up to leave and the chick is hanging on his leg, total desperation, and it's clear right there, they weren't a couple per se, they had met on the street corner after the Moose game for the first time and were totally loaded! How gross! I mean now that I am 30, HOW GROSS! I haven't done that with a perfect stranger since I was 20 and certainly not in a public venue like a pub! Then the table behind us is starting to get loud, and one guy says to his table of friends "Come on it's true love! It's love! What's wrong with that." I turned around and looked at one of the girls and she had tears in her eyes she was laughing so hard! And then I lost it. I was laughing out loud and not censoring my laughter at all. Finally they got up and left and they got a round of applause from the bar and I yell out as they left "Don't forget to leave the $20 on the nightstand before you go!" And a loud round of laughter after that. We left shortly thereafter cause the Oilers game was over and they lost - again! Getting a little tired of losing gentlemen! Oh well, we all go home and (ahem) sleep. It was a good night overall. Thanks to all that came out and to those who tried but couldn't make it, thanks for the effort it's just as appreciated as if you actually there. Well other then that life has been pretty boring. Volleyball has been up and down. Work has been a constant..... well just a constant. Home life hasn't changed too much neither. So that's it folks. Smoke 'em if you got 'em! You ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell outta here! That's it that's all!

J-BOMB OUT!

Thank God I Woke Up!

So I had a fairly bizarre dream life last night. Odder even more so was the fact that I only had about 4 hours of sleep due to my increasingly noisy neighbours to the east of me! Why do you need to have loud discussions in your bedroom after 1 AM? I don't get it???!?!!?! Anyways. The first place I remember it starting was me living in my house, so hey, good dream, I have finally progressed to a home in a house, happy happy joy joy!! Then someone on my freebie list (check my profile to see said list if you wish) and I had a romantic encounter. Yeah yeah bad me, whatever!!! He's not real and he's on MY FREEBIE LIST!!! It's not like this is a real person I would ever be with in real life. Funny historical side note, I am not sure if the boy would so much go along cause I have never asked about the fact if he was ok with my freebie list. Ask not, it's easier to deny later!! But I ended this romancic adventure even before it got really started because I was attached in my dream too. But hey getting to dream of one kiss with a guy on your freebie list is still pretty eff'n cool! Then I'm not sure how I got there but all of a sudden I was moving back out west, which would be awesome if I could afford it and my real life romance person would follow. I even had my old Dakota back to make the move. Oh how I miss that truck! Packing up boxes in the back and stuff and it felt good too, good like how you feel after you have made a smart decision. But boy was also following me there. Not the freebie list boy. So hot! (drool) Oh anyhow it did seem like that portion of the dream wasn't a separate incident from the first part. It felt like it gelled together properly. Then somehow we ended up in another apartment in Winnipeg and all of the boys family was in our apartment. Curiouser and curiouser... they never come over, even the ingrate of an exgirlfriend-sorry-excuse-for-a-parent-pain-in-the-ass from across the hall. And she gave me attitude in my dream so I let her have it! Better yet, so did the rest of the family. IT WAS AWESOME! I felt vindication, not just for myself but for everyone involved with that psycho! And then I went down to have coffee with a male friend and that psycho followed me and tried to listen in on our conversation like she was going to catch me saying something inappropriate to my friend that would be incriminating and then tell the boy on me. How high school! Then the boy came down to join us for coffee and they actually got along like they were old buddies! That was fantastic! Made my dream day! So let's take stock shall we...... 3 very positive things and one lusty positive thing and all it took was one mind numbingly freaky thing to jolt me awake in a cold sweat! We went back upstairs to our apartment and all of a sudden the boy and I had a baby. I don't know what the hell kind of elevator we were in but let me tell you I won't go into that one in real life. Scary. Wanna know why? I don't remember the labour (maybe that's not the scary part) and this baby was teeny weeny. And it's neck flopped even when I was supporting it. I was swaddling this baby, pardon me, MY baby, and noticed that she (hey at least it was a girl) was poopy so I wanted to change her. As I removed old dirty diaper the baby kind of dragged various body limbs through the "dirt" so I had to now bathe this infant. I remember being very concerned at getting "dirt" on me too so I was holding her like a nuclear reactor, arms straight out parallel to the floor, and then simply running her under the tap in the bathroom sink. I really don't remember it being that easy. However I did remember to test the water temperature with my elbow. I even used baby soap. Then back to the bedroom to replace with a non "dirt" filled diaper and put baby back to bed; well there was no crib to be found. Oh and I couldn't swaddle her properly at all. So I got frustrated and the boy actually cozied her up and put her to bed, in our bed right in the middle. Not like she's gonna roll off, she's a newborn. I was tired too, I felt like a new mother, just drained..... totally out of steam like I have been doing it for hours. Looking after the infant you perverts! I went into check on her and the boy had put her to sleep on the wrong side. So I got all scared of her having SIDS or some other sleeping disorder. He says "Just put Sheba in the room and she'll let us know if anything goes wrong." Who's Sheba you ask..... Well in real life she was my first ever dog, a German Sheppard and the best one ever. She was part of the family before I was, and she was the mother of all dogs. Didn't matter what kind of babies were in the house, humans, kittens she was there ready to mother them. She had 2 rather large litter of puppies herself. We had a cat who had kittens and Sheba couldn't wait for the Dribbles (the mother cat) to go out for a pee break so she could get into that litter box and take care of those kittens. Dribbles would come back in and find all kittens freshly washed by Sheba and dripping in dog slobber. It was hilarious. Back to my dream, one more positive - I finally have a DOG! But this Sheba wasn't a Sheppard, well maybe a Sheppard cross, but definitely with Rotti and Lab traits to her. My perfect dog choice! So in came Sheba to watch over baby and I left the room, just as I was closing the door I awoke. Now lets just brush up on your "January Doesn't Want Babies" history...... I don't want to be a mother. Yes I was drenched in sweat, babies are SCARY! I am fairly certain that this dream just solidified that decision I made oh so long ago. I felt like I was breaking this baby. (shiver) So waking up is now a good thing for more then just knowing I'm not dead! As I was recounting this story to a co-worker this afternoon she asked "What the FUCK did you eat last night????" So note to self: no more french onion soup and reubens for supper!!!


J-BOMB OUT!! (considering a tubalectomy!)