To Sleep Perchance To Dream

Have you ever had one of those dreams that feel so real you wake up broken hearted? Even after 8 years after my godmother passed away I dream of her and my godfather (he only passed away a little less then 2 years ago) still alive and still living in the same house I nearly grew up in back in Kenora. And you get that homey, de ja vu that makes your heart smile and puts a little extra warmth in your tone. Last night I had one of those kinds of dreams. It was beautiful and summer outside and the lake looked perfect, the house smelled of cedar and Coca Cola. Yes, it has a smell. And everything there was like it was when I was younger. Before she passed they actually moved into the house they built next door because it was smaller. It was a gorgeous house as well. But when I have these dreams we are always in the other house, that beautiful A-frame with gigantic bay windows that were basically floor to vaulted ceiling. The loft office upstairs, the rec room downstairs where my brother lived, that had the pool table in it and a bar. The stand up freezer that was always full of meat and frozen veggies. The wrap around deck well above the ground, with the hummingbird feeders and great big B-B-Q on it. There was stairs from the deck to the grass and the big rock in the yard. My uncle had built a diving board in the rock that we used. He even carved a picture of a loon dancing on the water just before it took flight in the cement steps he attached to the rock. The dogs are there, Bambi and Punqui, at least a few of the cats like Mister “E” or Missie Mouse. It’s just so entirely the same. Happy times. The twist is that I am the age I am now with the people I have now in these dreams. It feels special. Like I wish everyone I know now knew the delight I did when I was there. Last night I dreamt I had all of my friends from every corner of the earth there and we were having a cook out. It was perfect. And I got to talk to my godparents again. And hold them and smile at them and have them smile back. The sound laughter was amazing. But then we always did laugh a lot at Auntie Mar and uncle Don’s house. It’s funny, I never really cooked too much in that house but it seems that when I am there now that’s what I am doing. My nieces and brothers and sisters are all around, both my parents are there and amused. It was just perfect. Then every time I would try and introduce my newer friends with my godparents something in the back of my brain new it wasn’t right. And I would remember they are gone. But as fast as I remembered it I forgot it and it was elation again. It’s just such a strange bliss you know? There’s such fun and closeness but you have that 6th sense that something isn’t as it really is. But you can’t quite put your finger on it. But you’re so happy you don’t care. And I don’t care about the theory that those kind of dreams only last minutes because to me this dream was hours long of sheer greatness. And then you wake up. And for just a few seconds, I think “Damn I haven’t called Auntie Mar in ages I should call her and see how she and Uncle Don are.” And before I even finish that entire sentence in my head, by about the time the word “how” bounces through my head, I remember. But I can’t bring myself to not finish that sentence. I never can. And there doesn’t seem to be an occurrence that makes these dreams surface. Not food, nor thought, nor smell. They just happen every so often. And I am left with this feeling of an unfillable void. And the wish to speak with them again. It’s devastating, I’ve tried all day to get out of this emotion and nothing is working. What to do, what to do? Well I could talk about something else I suppose.
Ok then, I had an interview on Monday for the Assistant Box Office Manager position and it went well, but it always does. I really, really need this job. And I would be good at it too. However I won’t know anything until next week. So I sit and stew. It’s hard to do that. I would just mean a lot to me if I could progress in the company I have chosen to work for. Like they had confidence in me to be a worthy employee. I keep praying to the career gods but to date they have ignored me 3 times with in this company alone in 5 years. Not great odds, but then maybe they think I am due. Let’s hope the latter is what they are thinking here too. Well that’s it kids I will keep you abreast of the good stuff. See ya!

J BOMB OUT!