WTF?!?!?!?!?!!??

Ok so my day was somewhat on the bizarro side yesterday. And it started pretty much from the get go. I haven't really had good sleep in close to two weeks. It's been restless sleep which sucks so pure adrenaline has been fuelling me. And apparently the tank was so low I should have that annoying "ding" noise going off to warn me about it. So when you are so tired and you can't sleep through it your mind wanders into interesting territory. With the wandering going on I can't seem to shut my thoughts down to clear it out and reboot. So Tuesday at 2:00AM I am just starting to lull into some much needed restless rest, (cause I will take what I can get) my mind finally shut down, and I had the fan going so I am nice and cool and starting to give in to non rem sleep. However, I now have this icky feeling of something moving over my bare arm but with the fan blowing it could have been anything, but wait this movement has a pattern and it seems like it's organized in its procession. Hmm, wipe at my arm and lo and behold, I squash one of the biggest phuckin' spiders I have ever encountered. Now I am one of the most feverish arachnophobias known to man. So needless to say the thought of sleeping (even restlessly) was gone far, far away. Every time my skin twitched I awoke with a jump to get rid of what may or may not have been on my bed. I nearly killed my cats twice. They still won't talk to me I have freaked them out so bad. So I am guessing at about 4-4:30 I drifted off just out sheer exhaustion, and got the dreamless sleep necessary to function. Well I got about a two hour break from reality and then it came storming back like the Bomber defense. I was starting to awake about 15 minutes before my alarm clock went off, which isn't unusual for me, and for some reason my nose is making this weird gurgling type of noise, WTF I think I look at my pillow, and it's covered in blood. Again WTF is going on? It finally dawns on me that I have a nose bleed. Hmm this is a new phenomenon for me I have never had a nose bleed from anything other then a straight punch to the face, and I was young then. So I run to the bathroom to see if someone snuck into my apartment and punched me in the face without me knowing, nope not so much the reason. I also notice that the blood is rather thin so ok stress thinned out my blood and it came gushing out of the first portal it could find, fan-phuckin-tastic. I figure, well I am up I might as well hop in the shower and hope the steam helps the situation. I'm not sure why steam would help but I guess it's the same principle as boiling water when a woman goes into labour in the movies. So throughout the shower the nose is still bleeding and not stopping and it's a fairly gross thing to see when you look down in the shower and it's running red with blood. Prophetic much? But as I spied downwards, I notice something out of place. Hmm WTF is this big mark on the not so publicly displayed area of my upper thigh? So I guess the spider took a chunk out of my leg before I smeared him on my arm. And this is ugly looking. I don't know what the attraction to my legs are but spiders love em cause that's the second bite on my leg that I have gotten. But this bite was just a little too close to home base for me. So yes there was quite a bit of pain once the mark is realized, isn't that funny how that works. I don't feel the pain till I see the pain. I'm a very linear person I guess. So I polysporine'd it and threw a band aid over it hoping that would heal me. Ok so linear and naive. Har har. I phone my boss and explain that I have a bleeding nose that doesn't seem to want to stop, and I might be late. No worries he says so go and clean my nose over and over and over again. Finally about 9 it stops slowing. Praise the nose gods. Alright so I saunter in to work at 9:20ish and everything is hunky dory so far. The morning is going smoothly and then MTS DSL which our work network uses goes down across the city. So angry outlets and customers flood my switchboard and I seem have the only system in Winnipeg that can sell tickets. Lovely, I get to deal with people on today of all days. Perfect. Couldn't be happier (sense the tone). I finally get a lunch break and I am actually hungry and craving a sub from Quiznos across the street. My cover comes up front and I leave to go to get my lunch. Out my front door are two of the cutest guys I have seen in a while from the Moose office below us. So I go by them and head up the 6 stairs to the walk way to go over the street and step one - WHAM I missed it completely and nearly did a header into the stairs. So embarrassed was I Yoda. The guys come over to see if I am ok and I hang my head and say I'm good thanks just clumsy. They go back to the elevator with the "That was a perfect 10 on the slapstick scale" smile on their faces. So off I go again and this time it's incident free up the stairs. I get down to the Quiznos at the MTS Centre, and to my happiness there are two more cute guys in line and they happen to be in cop uniforms. I'm linear, naive and a sucker for the boys in blue. There was one girl ahead of me and she was just finishing up her order and then it was my turn. So I am slyly overlooking the cops that are awaiting their toasty lunches, not obviously or anything. I go to take a step to the counter and this guy walks right in front of me and starts to rattle off his order, and this guy cam out of nowhere, because he wasn't behind me at any time. I said "Excuse me, but..." I didn't really think I needed to finish the line but he didn't give me the chance before he said "They don't serve whores here." I was flat out stunned, like someone punched me in the gut. I could hardly make out the words. "Excuse me?" and he says "You heard what I said." I have lost the ability to talk, and if you know me that is a mind blowing anomaly. My entire vernacular was missing out of my brain. The cops come over and ask me if everything was ok and gave me a look like, do you know him. I still have this deer in the headlights look going on. I kept waiting for the guy to say "Sorry I have Turette's" or something. But that statement never came. And this wasn't some crazy street person either, he was dressed in a thousand dollar suit with a bling watch and expensive cologne. Then he starts to yell at the girl behind the counter to take his order already. The cops go over to him and politely ask him to step aside because I was there first and to wait his turn, he goes Mel Gibson on them saying "What are you the politeness police, go arrest somebody and do your job" All kinds of shyte coming outta this guys mouth now. The cops escorted him out the building, by the scruff of neck. I'm still flabbergasted at this point. I half expected a round of applause to erupt, but not so much. The cops ask again if I am ok and I still can't formulate words except "Pff shh thchser - yeah" Then they walked me back to my office just to be on the safe side. I thought that was above and beyond the call in my opinion. And it's my blog so my opinion is the only one that counts! Now that what I call a WTF kinda day. I've recounted this story to one person who gave it a 7.5/10 on the interesting day scale, but I think he low-balled me. Next time I will add a gun to it and see if that bumps me up to an 8. I told volleyball peeps too and they all had the same "You can't be serious!" look on their faces. I told work people too and I got the same reaction. And I got an offer from someone to become inappropriately violent on my behalf the next time I see this guy. I hope I never see this person again. I really doubt I will, but stranger things have happened in downtown Winnipeg. So I played volleyball last night too which is usually my most interesting part of the day but it was completely usurped by a jerk and a spider. After volleyball we have beers (which is where I recounted my story) and pizza and hang out. On my way home I am noticing that my spider bite area is getting warm and the skin is getting taut. This can't be good. I go home talk to the violence offerer on the phone and get into a heated discussion about other topics and hung up around midnite. I get up to go to bed and hey my leg seriously hurts. Get in my car and go to Grace Hospital next door and they take me in to see a doctor in a reasonable 30 minute wait. I was impressed. And of course the cute ER doctor is on call that night. Great, cute guy doctor gets to looks at my inflamed spider bite on the inner thigh, fun (sense the tone). They drained it, which was pleasant, with the biggest phuckin needle I have ever seen. So if spiders are my number one phobia, needles run a very, very close second. There was nothing soothing about my night at all after I left volleyball. So if there was ever a day where you just wanted to stay in bed and die, that was it for me. All the elements were against me yesterday. I mean I have had worse emotional days (read the archives) but this was the quintessential worst day of days for me when it comes to an overload of Murphy's Law type of luck. I think that's it for me folks. Please if you are reading this do rate this 1-10 on the phucked up day scale.
J-BOMB! OUT!